so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish I only lived at night.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
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