Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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