I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
