When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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