i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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