I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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