I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
