She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
