So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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