woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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