That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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