I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
