If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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