the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
this just has baby written all over it
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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