Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
