My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
