Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
so much tequila, so little girl.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
