I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
