we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
