I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
