Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
