She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
