at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
