He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
