I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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