Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
