yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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