I need to stop coming to work sober
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
