I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
