So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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