talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
