please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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