I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
