also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
