im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
