No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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