i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
