i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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