I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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