Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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