I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Randomize
