I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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