we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
