dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
