I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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