this beer tastes like vomit already
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
