so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
