I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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