talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
