We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
