Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
